Messies, Mentors, and Muthafukkin’ OGs

In this episode, we're kicking things off by sharing why we're finally stepping up to the mic after 22 years in the lifestyle.

And we're going to talk about the.

Couple that mentored us early on and showed us how to actually last in non monogamy.

The moment we realized we couldn't stay quiet anymore.

Spoiler involved a messy foursome and TikTok.

Drama and why we're not your lifestyle gurus, but we are the OGs who've seen what works, what blows up, and what you really need to know.

Whether you're only fantasizing about swinging or just starting in the game, this episode will help you navig your journey with clarity, confidence, and hopefully way fewer red flags.

Welcome to Coming Out Swinging, a raw.

Real look at modern relationships.

I'm Dave Arena.

And I'm Victoria Arena.

We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22.

We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like.

Maybe this is our modern day scarlet.

Letter, but we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed.

What's broken in today's relationships?

Is monogamy even natural for humans?

And could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be boning other people?

This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy.

Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OGs.

Okay, so why the hell are we doing this?

Well, I mean, I think overall we're always approached by people in.

In, you know, social atmospheres, clubs, hotels, you know, takeovers, or wherever we go.

And I don't know if it always is because we have safe written across our forehead or, you know, we just look friendly or we're part of the tour.

I have no idea.

We looked somewhat normal for swingers.

Whatever swingers are supposed to look like.

Yeah, exactly.

We are.

It is funny because we've in.

In the club environment, we have been part of the tour where people, they'll be giving the newbies the tour, and then they're like, oh, just talk to Dave or Vic.

You know, they've been in this forever.

What's funny is we've even been.

We've even been playing in the open.

When people are like, people getting the tour and we're like the caged animals.

They're walking by.

Yeah.

We're just like, hey, like, come talk to us.

Wait till after.

We'll be out in five.

Yeah.

I think.

I think what.

In my opinion, I think what most people see is they're like, this looks like a normal, happy couple that have made this last for so long.

I.

I think that's really the key.

Like, how.

Because we obviously, people don't know that necessarily right off the bat.

Agreed.

But once we start talking to people, they're like, yes, this is what we want.

How do we make this last for so long?

And how have you guys made this last for us so long?

Especially when you're just starting out.

Yeah.

They really don't want this to fizzle in any sort of way.

Yeah.

And they don't want to fuck up.

And I think the people that ask us really do have good intentions.

They're asking for that reason alone, like, so I think it's kind of cool, you know, to.

To get asked.

Yeah.

And certain people.

Well, you're.

You're very good at reading.

Yeah.

I mean, reading.

It's not for the right reason.

Yeah.

You're good at reading people and situations.

So, you know, right away you're like, you know, not that we necessarily tell people that.

Right.

Sometimes you have.

Very true.

Because we've been doing this so long, I think in person, we've always had people come up to us.

But there's another reason why we're doing this, where you were like, I need.

We need to start this podcast.

We need to.

We need to share our story.

I think for me, it was.

I went down the rabbit hole of Swinger TikTok, and what I saw astounded me.

And I was like, these people have been in it for, like, a hot second, and they're giving advice to newbies.

And if I were a newbie, I'd run for the hills because, you know, I mean, we can get into it later.

We've got actual specific stuff, stories that I can talk about, but, like, a lot of messy.

Very messy.

And that should not be what you.

The advice you should be taking.

Yeah.

This was.

Whatsoever.

This was mostly during the pandemic, right.

Yeah.

Where we couldn't go.

You couldn't go out to the clubs.

They were shut down.

You were going down this rabbit hole.

Everyone you would show me.

You were just.

More and more.

I was enraged.

I was like, these people are crazy.

And they were so confident, too.

And from a mile away, we're like, oh, no, this is gonna be a train wreck.

Like, the.

You had, like, the really messy situation, or then you had, like, a guy giving, like, women advice.

And I'm like, this is just so wrong on every level.

Yeah.

That's why even, like, you talking about etiquette, anything, I even like you talking more on this because I just.

I have this weird thing where the more the guy is involved.

Exactly.

It's a woman's world.

Like, it's.

It really is.

We've run the game for sure.

Yeah.

And I don't.

I'm.

I'm really.

It's kind of cringy to even think of.

I don't want to be thought of as mentors.

I don't want to be.

We don't want to be preachy.

You know what?

All we want to do is really share our story, share our stories to see if people can relate and if people can take things that have worked.

And also, we have seen.

We have seen a lot of situations that have blown up and we.

Yeah.

We've seen a lot of sinking ships.

And we've learned what gives you a better chance of surviving in this thing.

Absolutely.

And those red flags that are like, you know, again, you're so good for this because you read situations so well, and there's been so many times where you're like, oh, that's not going to last.

And there's times where I'm even, like, naive, and I'm like, really?

You think that?

And you're like, no, trust me.

And it's.

You're always spot on.

So it's like, anything we can share through our experience, but mostly just sharing our stories where we're not.

We're not claiming we're like.

But we are definitely here to be honest and transparent and real.

For sure.

Yeah.

So speaking of mentors, quote, unquote, mentors, first of all, this couple wouldn't even know they're.

Consider them mentors.

I think it's funny, actually, but we.

Did meet a couple early on after we had our first time, and they kind of exposed us to.

And it was not with them.

No.

Right.

It was not with them.

And we've never really done anything with them in terms of.

Of play, but they were older than us, and they ended up really exposing us to a lot of different things.

You know, house parties, stuff we didn't know existed.

Yeah.

Because we were so new.

Yeah.

We were.

We had only met one couple.

We were just doing the couple only dating thing, so.

But what.

What I really want to talk about here, though.

Is that they were mentors in a sense that without even knowing it, where we saw a lot of us in them.

Yes, they're professionals.

Were.

Meaning professional, like in their jobs in the world.

You know, they had a family, they had kids.

And I think more so, they were kind of that ride or die.

Yeah.

That we always felt we were.

In other words, they.

You could tell they had a deep love.

They were still madly in love with each other.

Respect for each other.

Yeah, for sure.

But they knew their boundaries, they knew their rules, they knew what they liked.

And there was just a clear sense of that.

Yeah, absolutely.

And I think it just taught us what that really looked like from.

Not only from that perspective, from the boundaries and knowing, like, exactly what you're.

You know, what.

Knowing what your rules and your boundaries are, but also knowing, like, how to evolve and it's okay.

How to.

How to communicate.

There's a whole evolution to this.

Like, so you.

You know, you start with, like, you know, we're only going to do this, this, and this.

But then when we met them, we're like, they're like, oh, but you can try this, or you can see what's here.

You know, things like that.

And it was just.

It was kind of wild to know that we hadn't even branched out and thought about any of that.

Yeah, for sure.

And I.

I think one of the stories, even though this happened many years after we met them and we had been in the lifestyle for a long time, but one great story that encapsulates what we're talking about is we were at one of their private parties and there was a.

Well, you tell the story because she was.

I was.

I was next to you.

But, like, you guys were talking, you.

And there was the female half of the mentor couple you were talking.

Yeah.

There was a younger, very.

Just probably considered very smoking hot young female at the party, and her husband was just drooling over this.

This girl.

And this girl just came to him like, fly on fly paper, I think, and just saw this beautiful place they were having this party at.

And, you know, they're the ones throwing it, so maybe this is whose ass I should kiss type of thing.

And.

Right.

She was just pouring it on extra heavy with this.

This guy.

And, you know, I think they eventually started to play.

And we're watching this all unfold, her and I.

And she leans over to me and said, you know, something around the fact that, you know, he gets it this one time, this one time, this sugar baby's gonna get him, but it's never happening anywhere after this.

Right.

And I think that was just her way of laying the groundwork, like, have fun today, dear.

Right.

Like, I'm not, like, the reason why that's such a great story is because we've.

We've been in those situations so many times where especially, like, so someone thinks they're getting over on you or, you know, and they don't think you communicate.

It just shows that level of communication that she knows that I'm not going to deny him this chance with the hot young chick one time so that he can.

He can.

He doesn't have any regrets.

Right, Right.

Because you know that that's going to be part of it.

But she also knew what was really going on.

However, there was another part of that, wasn't there, where the reason she thought that is because not only was she kissing their ass, but wasn't she, like, calling them and over, like, she was.

Starting to, like, starting to, like, get a hold of them.

I'm on the list, am I?

You know, remember it was like, almost stalker.

Yeah.

Very fangirl.

Yeah.

And she.

And again, it's.

It's that recognition, right?

It's that recognition of, like, I don't care if you're a hot chick.

Like, I know what's going on here.

And it was just so funny to, like, in you two both, like, again, you also being someone who knows.

Knows how to read agreement.

Because I would have handled it the same.

Same way, but it was just such a great.

It was.

It was just so perfect for her to do that because it just summed them up and that's how she ran that shit.

Respected that.

Like, yeah, I'm going to get my one time.

I'm going to be able to say, I have the hot stick.

But that's.

Had a great night.

That's it.

She called it at that.

Now that we talked about what it looks like, what healthy looks like, let's get into the disasters.

There's a lot of disasters.

There are.

But specifically, I want you to tell the story of there are.

Like you said, we talked about this.

You went down the TikTok rabbit hole.

But there was one specific foursome that got you so frazzled.

You were like, yeah, we need to start this podcast.

Yeah.

So, I mean, obviously we will not reveal names or anything.

If you've been around for a while, you might even know who we're talking about.

Is this where we put the legal disclaimer if.

If there's any similarities between real people and situations?

We're not however, there was a.

Not trying to get sued.

Exactly.

But it was so messy.

It's still so messy.

I mean, it still carried on.

This was in 2020, during the pandemic.

I stumbled upon a foursome and they were like, you know, strictly.

I don't know, they said they went to event swinger events and things like that, but they only traveled together as the foursome.

And then they were doing these tiktoks all together.

Right.

Like all kind of.

They would be different.

Yeah.

But the one you showed me the one time, it was all four of them, like crammed in.

Yeah, they were all crammed in together and talking about, you know, whatever.

And then, then they started trailing off and like the one wife would be with the one husband, not.

They're not, you know, the other married partner.

Like they would.

And then they would do those tiktoks together while the other husband and wife did TikTok separately.

So now they're doing TikTok separately with the other spouses.

And it was getting kind of like.

Because then like the one husband was PA for the other wife's mommy makeover, like full body mommy makeover, like.

Right.

Craziness stuff.

And the other, his actual wife is like, well, you didn't even do this for me type of stuff.

Right.

It was just getting crazy.

Like then, you know, she's getting the mommy makeover chick's now getting angry with her husband because he gives attention to the other chick that she doesn't get.

But maybe she'll get it now that she's getting a mommy makeover paid for by husband number whatever over there.

And it just was getting messier, messier the more you watched it daily.

And I think when you, you had been following them for a while and I think when, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think when you showed it to me, they were.

Wasn't one of them like either maybe not moving in.

Were they moving in or.

But they were sleeping.

But they were staying over, like their houses.

Yeah.

They were spending the night.

They were flip flopping and going.

Yeah.

And that's when we knew.

Taking like nights off with the other one spouse.

And I said to him, I said, this is going to go so backwards.

And you actually said they would be divorced.

You're like, they're going to be divorced in a couple months.

I knew it and I agreed because like anytime you get emotions involved and you start.

Yeah.

And there were a lot of emotions involved and people getting pissed off every other day.

I don't care.

Whatever anyone Wants to say, like, I'm sure there's people that have made poly work forever.

People will come at us.

We don't do emotions.

No.

We'll get into that in other episodes, but anytime you add emotions to it and you start doing things, like, separately, especially if you're not on the same page with the other, with your partner, it's a recipe for disaster.

But anyhow, you said they'll be divorced within a couple of months.

You actually were.

You actually gave them more credit because what was it, like, three weeks later?

Yeah, I tried to give them a little bit of extended time quicker than.

I thought, because I remember you running in and going, oh, my God.

They're not only are they divorcing, they're with each other.

So they were with each other's partners, too.

Yeah.

And then since then, like, because it was just so bad, they divorced, they got with each other's partner, and then the one.

One wife and husband broke up.

They lasted maybe six months and just figured it wasn't working.

The other ones, they were.

The, The.

The.

This husband and the wife of the other couple were so crazy.

No wonder their spouses were like, good, we'll just be with each other.

They were all sorts of wackadoo.

But, like, they tried to make it work, and it went into legal things and, you know, I mean, we're talking all kinds of stuff.

And it's still carrying over on TikTok because she just can't let go of him.

He just can't let go of her.

And it's just still messy to this day.

Right.

And it was the other part.

And the moral of the story is you called it out way before.

Yeah.

For sure.

And this is what this podcast is all about.

Yeah.

I mean, even, like, down to, like, people giving advice when they're just, like, brand new.

We've seen those, too.

Yeah.

And, you know, there's nothing wrong with, like, I'll respect someone who, if you're just going to be messy, just be messy.

And you're going to show it.

Like, that's interesting.

Or I've seen where newbies are like, hey, we're going to take this.

We're jumping into this journey, this pool, and we're just going to document our journey.

That's cool, too.

That's a cool angle.

But don't act like you're some.

Don't be a professional when you're not a professional.

Especially with relationships in general.

When you.

You're on, like, your third marriage, or you're like, you're trying to be your.

You a relationship coach.

And you're a mess yourself.

Like, you're.

Yeah, I just.

Yeah, it's.

It's sometimes a wild thing to see.

You should not be accepting advice from people that are rookies.

Right.

In my opinion.

Or a hot mess themselves.

Exactly.

I mean, we're a hot mess.

I mean, I'm a hot mess about a lot of things.

In different ways.

Right.

Yeah, in good ways.

Right.

So hopefully you enjoyed the pilot episode of this podcast and that's.

That's really what it's going to be about.

Right.

Like, real stories, real lessons, just whatever.

Tools, tricks of a trade, stuff we.

Wish we had known when we started.

Yeah.

And definitely mistakes we made so that you don't have to.

Or other people's mistakes that we obviously have never made and we want you to not make.

Right.

Well, we've seen a lot more of those, and even, like, some, you know, we'll get into swinger etiquette, like how to talk to your partner.

Communication is obviously big, and it's definitely.

Going to be for, like, you know, the nervous newbies.

Yeah, I want to call them.

Yeah.

Whether you've just started or like we said before, you're just in that pillow talk stage where, yeah, you're talking about it, but you haven't.

You're afraid to make that jump because, let's face it, you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube, as you say, once you make that leap, you know.

Yeah.

And then there's couples already in it, but maybe they're struggling to stay connected or reconnect.

Yeah, that's for sure.

And you know who this may not be for, you know, if you've already been in this for a while and you've got your together, like, hey, do your thing, you know, even hit us up, maybe we can have you on as a guest.

Yeah, we'd love that.

We love to.

You know, again, we want to really give the perspective of those who have been in it for a while.

Absolutely.

Just don't come to us, like, after you've been in, like, five months asking to be a guest because.

Or maybe, I don't know, we can mentor them.

We can.

If you're a good train wreck story.

Those always entertain us.

Yeah, those sell.

Train wrecks sell.

Right.

All right, well, that's it for this episode of Coming Out Swinging.

Thanks again.

Join us next time.

If you're digging this, make sure to subscribe, leave us a review and follow us on TikTok@VickinDay.

We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non monogamy without the mess.

New episodes every week.

We'll see you next time.