Out of Your League? Not in the Lifestyle

Think you're not hot enough for the lifestyle?

Too average, Too old.

Not what you think people are looking for.

Think again.

In this episode, we unpack how swinging isn't about being the hottest person in the room.

It's about how you show up.

Confidence, vibe, and how you make people feel will get you further than abs or a perfect ass ever will.

We will talk about the simple things most people overlook, like grooming, hygiene, and not acting like a weirdo.

Welcome to Come Out Swinging, a raw.

Real look at modern relationships.

I'm Dave Are.

And I'm Victoria Arena.

We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, and swinging for more than 22.

We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like.

Maybe this is our modern day scarlet.

Letter, but we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed.

What's broken in today's relationships?

Is monogamy even natural for humans?

And could the to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be owning other people?

This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy.

Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OGs.

Okay, so today we're going to talk about being out of your league, which really means, like, are you worried about whether you're hot enough?

Are you going to fit in in this lifestyle?

All those kinds of things, which I.

Believe just ends up dwindling down to confidence.

Right.

And I think we have a good perspective on this being that we are of a certain age too, because I think that can sometimes play into your head.

It doesn't really, for me because we get so many people that are like, I didn't know you were, you know, 49, you know, like, or what, you know, look that age.

So I think for me, the age factor is not a thing.

Yeah.

But what I'm.

I think it, it.

It's kind of.

What is our point of this whole thing, though, is that it's really not a factor in a lot of ways.

Yeah, for sure.

So if people are thinking that, that if that's something that would hold you back, that's not necessarily the case.

Right.

So.

Exactly.

Um, and.

And we're kind of being a little tongue in cheek talking about, you know, if we would pull this person in vanilla life or pulling People that we normally wouldn't, but we.

We do kind of joke about that.

But in our experience, we have.

There's been a lot of times where we've gotten in the car and we've looked at each other and we were like, holy shit.

Like, did that just happen?

Yeah, absolutely.

I was like, what happened tonight?

Right.

And we'll get to some of those stories.

Right.

But I think mainly, and I know you have a lot of commentary about this and a lot of thoughts and opinions on this, but in the lifestyle, people aren't just looking at hotness, they're looking at vibe.

They're.

They're looking at other things.

And I think mainly it's how you carry yourself.

Right.

And that.

I know you're big on that.

Yeah, I'm huge on this because I'll tell you why.

I went into the lifestyle being super not confident.

Like, I thought people are going to, you know, like, you.

You just, in my mind, created this thing where I thought people were going to be talking about me, like, why is she here?

You know, that kind of thing.

And then when you go, you have your first experience, and then you end up, like, it just kind of sparks a little thing in you where you're like, oh, I get what this is.

This is, I. I walk out the door to an event or for a club or something in this lifestyle where I am a. I put on different clothes, I wear different shoes.

I put the whole package together.

Not that I don't tend to be, you know, put package together on a daily basis, but I don't.

I'm not out there wearing these dresses and these heels.

It's kind of like you create this sexy Persona of yourself and you're.

And then I'm put together very well.

Yeah.

And the other point you're making about kind of when you go to these events or club or even if you're meeting couples out is like you're all there for the same reason.

So the.

The environment is different.

Yeah.

And trust me, not everybody does this.

This is the ones that I want to just walk up, take under my wing and be like, oh, honey, I could help you, but you don't do that.

You know what I mean?

Just because it's a very accepting world.

And we talked about our age, but even back when we were younger, when we first started this, we were a lot heavier, both of us.

And I only bring that up because, again, it doesn't really matter.

In a lot of ways, we still found success.

We still had a lot of fun, even back Then, yeah, we did.

So I think, you know, in terms of putting yourself together, like what are your biggest do's and don'ts from?

And I know this again, whenever we talk about this, this is just our opinions.

There's going to be people that, hey, if it works for you, great.

If you're comfortable with it, if you're fine with it.

I think for me, like, you know, right off the bat is just kind of what I was just saying.

Look, like you give it in, people will notice.

You come in there in stretch pants and flip flops and you know, sports bra, they get it.

Some girls look hot like that, but it's, it's not club attire, it's not lifestyle attire.

Yeah.

And you look like you walk from your car getting gas to into a club.

Yeah.

Now let's, let's clarify that.

That's obviously not if you're going to like, you know, flip flops would be appropriate if it was like a pool party or something.

You know what I mean?

But so we, you know, let's, let's just clarify.

But you're talking about specifically, like if you're going to a club or you're meeting someone out or what have you.

And to be honest, we've seen a lot more, we've seen a lot worse than flip flops.

Oh yeah.

I mean, we've seen people in slides like, it looks like, yeah, it looks like they just like sweatpants.

It just isn't, it's just not as sexy.

I, that's my own personal opinion.

Again, do what you want to do.

I just see those people not doing super well.

Like if that's what you want to change into, going home.

Great fab.

You had a banging night.

Yeah, we just, we see a lot of like, I gave up today energy and that's not what you want to showcase if you're going out to an event or a club.

And I think on the male side, it's, it's, it's simple.

Again, you'd be surprised at how uncommon it is where it's just, you know, cleanliness, hygiene, grooming, especially for single guys, if they realize that half the battle is if you're just put together, groomed, you have good hygiene, you're not a weirdo, you can carry on a conversation, you come up and talk to people.

Literally, if you did those things, you would be in the, what would you say?

At least top 10%, if not higher than, than most single males.

If you just did that alone.

Regardless of looks, I can't tell you.

How Many like they've.

They've checked off one, two, three boxes, you know, Then it comes time and then I get a whiff and I'm like.

I look at Dave and I'm like not doing this make me happening.

And I totally get it.

I mean there's even.

Smell is awful.

Well.

And there's even times where I.

It just smells up the whole area.

Yeah.

And I'm just.

And I could smell it right away.

And I'm not going down anywhere near anyone.

You know what I mean?

But just being in that same area and I'm just like, oh, I get it.

Like I would not, you know, and I'm kind of a clean freak or a neat freak anyhow.

Offer you all the cleanliness.

There is towers, there's wipes, there's towels.

Yeah.

I mean, you name it, they put it out there for you.

Mouthwash half the time.

I mean, we've done even private events, like at hotels, and we've always joked where it's like, where did they think they were going?

Like, you know where you're going.

Yeah.

You're literally going somewhere like two.

You know what I'm saying?

Introduce like, I'm like that we have a man counter.

Yeah.

Like, don't put it all out there.

Clean up yourself.

You know.

But yeah, you have no problem.

No, I have no problem saying that because you're not bringing anything near me.

Yeah.

But I would say though, like getting back to where when you look at.

I just always think it's a interesting phenomenon that.

And I.

We've talked about this, like how you can.

Whether it's age related, whether it's looks related.

And I know that's all like looks is subjective.

Right.

But there are times where just being in the right environment, in the right circumstance, in the moment where it's hot.

It's just unbelievable what kind of experiences we have.

And I know this.

I agree to some.

This may sound shitty because it may sound like we're like.

Like we're like.

We don't have very much confidence in ourselves, but we.

It's not that we don't think that we're attractive or you know, but I guess from our point of view is we've always.

We both grew up like with not a lot of boyfriends, girlfriends.

And we.

And we all, we, let's face it, let's be honest.

We both were like the fat kid.

Yeah.

So it's like we grew up with that stigma as well.

So you, you have body issues, you have confidence issues.

When it comes to physical appearance and being sexually attractive.

I guess if we're just being honest with each other, you know, and we've had that conversations, maybe we're, maybe we have a little dysmorphia going on where we don't really see.

Like we do put ourselves, not put ourselves down, but you get what I'm saying.

Like we.

In the beginning, we definitely did.

Yeah.

But I just think so.

It's not that, I mean, I don't want to sit there and say that we're not attractive people.

I mean, obviously that has to be a factor.

But I also think that again, just our way of people gravitate toward us, whether it's our personality, whether we're easy to approach, just our vibe.

Yeah, we, we like to think we're friendly.

We get along with people.

I think that's a really big thing that you just said there because I, one of the things that I really have always had going for me is I have a.

Like I'm, I'm friendly.

Like, I'm like super.

Like I'm the party girl.

Like, you know, let's do a shot or.

Yeah, you're opposite of me when it comes.

Yeah.

If I approach people and be like, you know, show that confidence that way.

I don't know, a lot of times we would get as far ahead as we do because you don't talk to anybody.

So it's almost like I'm like that wing woman that's going out there and flitting in a.

Floating about and talking to everybody and so forth.

Yeah.

In fact, that's something that I've always admired about you because as self conscious as you can be about the physical appearance at times, mostly your body, really.

And again, that comes from struggles with weight.

Just like I.

Because I understand it.

Yeah.

You are super confident when it comes to your personality and your ability to socialize.

In other words, you will go up to anyone, anytime.

In fact, sometimes I'm even like.

And I know I'm wrong.

I know it's.

I know it's my issues.

That is why I'm doing it is where I'm like, oh, like, you're like, oh, no, watch this.

I'm going to go up and I'm going to start getting.

I'm like, oh, really?

Like, do you think you should, you know, I mean, you've, you've heard me say that so many times.

And you're like, it drives you nuts because you're like, well, who cares?

Like times.

I will send Dave.

Well, kid you not to a Bathroom.

I think you should go to the bathroom.

Minglers mingling around us.

They've probably been told to go over and give us a talk, but Dave just sits there with like, you know.

Yeah, I don't want to say anything.

I want to say anything.

And I think they kind of pick up on the energy.

So I'm like, why don't you go for a walk?

Send him on a walk, and then I can invite them in to sit down.

Then by the time he comes back, you know, two, one to two couples are sitting with us.

Yeah, because your confidence actually makes me cringe, because I am.

And you know what it is?

It's just I have that fear of rejection thing.

And that's my thing.

I still may get rejected, but at least we're talking to people and, you know, it puts out this bolt of energy, I guess you could say.

Well, and that's what's funny, though, is like, so many times you're.

Well, as usual, you're so right in the situation, in the moment.

It's not that things haven't happened with someone that we wanted to or whatever, but a lot of times it does.

Like, I remember we were in.

We were in a club, what Temptations in New York City.

And we met this Swedish couple.

The male was Asian and the female was.

I don't know, it's classic Swedish.

I mean.

Yeah.

No, I mean, blue eyes, like, blonde hair, like.

Yeah, but she was.

I mean, they were just a stunning, beautiful couple.

Yeah.

In fact, when we walked in there, the bartender was even like, talking to us about them because we were.

We had gotten there early.

They were there early.

They're, you know, in from, you know, on vacation, obviously.

And it was almost like one of those things where.

And not to be insulting, but it's like not your normal crowd.

Right.

Like, you're like.

They stuck out like a sore thumb.

And I was just like, wow.

And once again, you kind of just, you know, you.

You're the party starter.

Not just.

Not just the party starter, like you said with shots, but the conversation starter.

Especially when you're really good at knowing, like, okay, it may be uncomfortable for us to go up to someone or be rejected, but you feel like, well, they're even more uncomfortable just sitting here not knowing anybody.

So I'm going to be the one at the very least to talk, to have a conversation.

No expectation.

Interesting fact.

I mean, after that night, my whole perspective on the, like, the European thing changed because they're just so much more open in anyways.

They think everybody's crazy.

Yeah.

So that aside, they were still like scoping it out for weirdos and, and whatever else, but she just, her and I hit it off like right away.

We just, you could tell she wanted to have a good time.

He was like, whatever she wants.

We're doing, you know, that type of thing.

It was, it was just a really fun night.

Like they really got to it, like.

Yeah.

And I also think it's hot too.

And this is, this may come off the wrong way to some that are listening to this.

I think you'll understand what I'm saying.

There is something really hot to me where you have a good looking couple, you know, good looking dude or whatever, and he's really into you.

And I don't know if it's because it's like a different body type sometimes or like, you know, like they like your curves because maybe, yeah, their chick is hot, but she didn't have like your assets, let's say.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

You get what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah.

He was definitely.

Yeah, he was definitely into me.

It was, that was a great time.

But you get what I'm saying?

It's almost like it's something different.

Yeah.

Than what they're used to visit the us.

They contact us and find out what state we're in so that they can come visit.

Yeah.

And they actually did come back for another one, which was.

Yeah.

So even that was really cool is that we've remained, you know, friendly with them.

And also the fact that it wasn't just like in the moment one and done hot.

It was like, you know, obviously they enjoyed themselves, you know what I mean?

Which was really cool.

But I remember that day because it's like, it's almost like that reaction in the club, even if you can't hear people, but you almost are like.

It's almost like that hush hush feeling of like holy shit.

Like they're getting them.

Even the bartender made that.

Yeah.

She was like, high five and us.

Like they were in front of us and she's like high fiving me.

Like, girl, get it.

Yeah.

She's like, oh, I would have liked to watch that.

She literally said that to us.

She's like, I'd love to watch this.

Yeah.

And you know, sometimes it's also.

And again, sometimes these things feel like.

I can imagine someone who's not in the lifestyle listening to like some of this stuff and being like, that doesn't sound, that sounds weird.

But the other thing is like sometimes it's the guy that's really into you a lot of times.

And that's just my way in the door for sure.

And we've come to accept that.

I don't care.

Sometimes we're that couple anyways.

Yeah.

Like, sometimes you're really into her and I'm like, okay, I'm going to make this happen for you.

Yeah.

Because I remember sometimes I'm like, I'm not taking one for the team.

No, you're right.

It does go both ways.

Because I remember one time we were in Labyrinth in New York City and remember those newlyweds that were.

And they talked to us.

We kind of got a good vibe from them.

But that doesn't always mean anything.

Right.

Like you can get a good vibe from someone and talk with them and then nothing may happen or you may never even see them again throughout the night.

But we were talking to them and they were like, oh, we're newlyweds.

We're here on, you know, our honeymoon.

And we're like, at first, you know, us being seasoned veterans, we're just like, that's probably not.

We're just probably wasting a lot of time talking to them.

You know what I mean?

But didn't know what was going to happen.

And then she ended up being a freak.

Very good looking.

She started messing around and then, and then what was weird about her is she was telling people like, oh, no, like, you can feel on me.

I'll do certain things, but like the sex is only for my husband, like doing that whole thing.

And then she gave in.

She gave in.

Yeah.

It ended up being just like a, A whole like twister bed of bodies.

Right.

And you get.

You bowed out because that wasn't really your scene.

Now you are watching from the couch.

And I actually bowed out because sometimes when it gets to be too much for me, it's just too.

Especially with my ADHD in those moments.

Like it's just too much around, too much stimulation.

And it was very uncomfortable and people were just being very aggressive or what have you.

So I backed out.

And then you kind of gave me the nudge, like where things were dying down and she was still raring to go.

And I went over there and just had a great experience.

But again, I feel like those are a couple examples of women that I just, I don't know.

Like, I don't.

Maybe I don't give myself enough credit, but I feel like if I was on the street or on an app or something, like, they'd swipe left.

Yeah.

Is that the bad one?

Is that the no.

Is that the.

No, no, I agree.

But it is.

It's like, you know, and then.

So you're right, it goes that way.

But then what I'm talking about is, like, a lot of times.

A lot of times, more times than not, it's the guy of the couple wanting to get you.

Since we've started, we've had that happen almost every time.

And that's where we have no shame in our game.

Like, I don't care if that's my.

Hey, if you're.

If you're hot and I'm attracted to you and that's my way in.

Like, you're like.

Well, don't get me.

I shouldn't say that.

Right.

Because, you know, I have to have a certain.

Like, you have to be somewhat into it, even into the moment.

You don't have to be in the.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

Or else I feel like.

So I'm not saying we've had those situations where the woman wasn't into it or wasn't into me, but you could definitely tell it's more skewed to the side of like, she's.

I don't know if it's.

I do not want to think of myself as, like, the take one for the team person.

Like, she had to take one for the team.

But, like, I think it's more where her man wanted you for sure.

Right.

And I just kind of got the benefit of it, which I don't care.

I think I know who you're thinking of when you talk about this.

I mean, there's been several in la.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And the interesting thing about them is not only is he into me, I have a great time when I've played with him, which, you know, it's far and few between.

But she tends to really like my assets, too, and she knows that I like to just play, not.

Whatever.

That's true with this situation.

She's always like, I'll get her ready.

Yeah, that's a little bit different because she's also into you.

And.

Yeah.

Women, too.

So.

Yeah.

But when they.

I remember it was a slow night, nothing much was happening, and we were doing our own thing on the bed, and they had come over and watched on the couch right in front of us, which sometimes people do, even if there's.

Just because there's not enough room or nothing else is going on.

So they're going to sit there and watch.

And I noticed her.

It was almost one of those.

I know you'll.

You remember this, where it was almost like One of.

Not only was nothing going on, but like, no one we were really attracted to, like kind of an average night.

And then she stuck out like a sore thumb.

Just out of nowhere.

Yeah, definitely.

And I was like, what is going on?

And then they, you know that moment where you're like, are they kind of into watching us?

Or like, are they like.

Or are they just into themselves?

People like that, though, that watch us for a long time and then at the end they're like, I was so into watching it.

Yeah, you were.

You guys were so hot.

And we're like, we put on a great show.

Like, we get that.

We get that often.

And I think that's where we're.

Where we were talking about where our self conscious thing comes in.

Because we almost don't believe.

We're almost like, oh, really?

Like, even though we.

That's our thing and we do it.

It's always surprising to hear someone say that.

Totally.

You know, and.

But yeah, with them.

And then they started coming over onto the corner of the bed and then we sit here.

Even then I didn't think anything would.

I'm like, okay.

And then you got to be careful about the bait and switchers, you know what I mean?

Where it's like they, they want to make it seem like it's a foursome and then it's not.

The dude just gets into you, you.

Know, like she takes off for the.

Right.

You got to watch those situations.

But no, everything just happened and I was like, holy shit.

And not only was she super hot, but again, and I hate to always bring up age, I'm really.

I don't know if I'm getting more self conscious about age because I'm a male and it's kind of like you don't want to be the old creepy dude, you know what I mean?

But it's like very young.

They're younger.

Yeah, younger.

And we've had a lot of that too.

Right.

A lot of guys and girls that.

Are.

Way younger than we would ever probably ever even enter.

Like even in our own mind.

Sometimes we look at each other when we get in the car and we're like, I don't even want to know.

Yeah.

But it's again, the environment you're in that makes it a difference because that's either they're looking for those kind of experiences or they're just looking for a experience, no matter what.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Right.

I mean, we keep our standards high.

Yeah.

I'm not suggesting that we.

At least I try and Set my standards high, by the way.

I even come in there, you know.

Yeah.

And I'm not saying that we shouldn't.

I'm just saying that if like.

And don't get me wrong, there's been a lot of great looking, fine couples that are our own age and that are just average looking.

There's been some where we're like.

Don't know if I'd actually.

Like you say it more so.

Right.

A guy that you've played with where it.

Because it was hot in the moment, but you probably wouldn't have swiped right.

Correct.

Yes, you are very right.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Yeah.

And I. Yeah.

And it's.

I'm okay.

Like, we joke around.

Right.

Because what we do and what we're into and what kinks I have with we.

We do a lot of.

You do a lot of things with single guys and that's obviously a lot easier to do.

Is it?

Well, it happens more often.

It does.

But I feel sometimes we're pushing the envelope there.

Because I would veto probably about a lot of them.

Because.

No, I'm just weirdo.

I'm not saying you wouldn't.

I'm just saying as a percentage of like the chance.

The probability of something happening is a lot higher because of what we're into and because just the way single dudes.

And it's easier to get a single dude involved.

But I'm okay with that.

We always joke around.

Right.

Like four to six times a year.

I have probably a good experience with another female, but it's been.

My track record has been pretty.

When you think about the quality over quantity, I guess it's been pretty impressive.

First of all, I'm not sending you with some busted Betty.

Yeah, exactly.

Like the ones you.

Because then you start getting me after Ew.

Because that's another thing, like, so many people, like, don't.

We've talked about this before on other episodes where they don't leave too much to the imagination.

And I think you think we would be more understanding of like someone who say isn't in perfect shape because we've struggled with weight.

But I think we go the opposite.

We're like, you gotta have awareness.

Yes.

It's like a social awareness that they lack.

You know, Leave a little to the imagination.

We don't want to see it all out.

I leave a lot to the imagination.

But I show the right things.

Right.

Like, I know nobody wants to see this running around like in a phone.

Exactly.

Whatever.

Utter social awareness.

Yeah.

I mean, you just have to.

But I don't know what are, what would you kind of end this on if you were to just give your your do's and don'ts.

Don't show up sloppy.

You're big on that.

Don't hover.

Yeah.

And don't be subnoxious where you're trying to oversell.

Yeah.

And that's not just single guys that could go for couples as well.

Okay, so what would be your final takeaway here then for those that are specifically afraid to jump in because of being self con conscious or lacking confidence?

I guess couples who feel like they're not lifestyle material use some of these notes and create this confidence to be where you know you'll be able to survive this world in this lifestyle knowing that you give a shit.

When you come into a club and you're dressed the part and you are there to have fun and you're, you're not so angst up on anxiety, you're open minded and everything else.

It's all confidence stricken things.

Yeah.

I think that also goes back to something else we've said before where if you go in with no expectations that also helps.

You're going out to have a good time with your significant other and just radiate that.

Yeah, for sure.

And you'll attract the right people.

Yeah.

Fun, trust and confidence.

Yeah.

Well, I think that's going to be it for this episode.

We'll see you next time.

If you're digging this, make sure to subscribe, leave us a review and follow us on TikTok @VIC and Dave.

We'd love to help you redefine couple goals through non monogamy without the mess.

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We'll see you next time.