Vic Nearly Puked. Dave Dove Right In. Our 1st Time

In this episode, we're going back to our first time.

We'll tell you how I shocked Dave by signing up for an AFF account for the first time.

The couple we met from the next.

Town over, what really went down that.

Night in our house, and how we both felt before, during, and especially after.

If you've ever wondered what it's actually like the first time you swing, this one's for you.

Welcome to Coming Out Swinging, a raw.

Real look at modern relationships.

I'm Dave Arena.

And I'm Victoria Arena.

We've been together nearly 30 years, married over 24, swinging for more than 22.

We're starting this podcast now because for too long, fear kept us from living authentically, from being open about who we are and what our relationship actually looks like.

Maybe this is our modern day scarlet.

Letter, but we're here to be both the example and the invitation to help others own their desires and question the scripts we've all been handed.

What's broken in today's relationships?

Is monogamy even natural for humans?

Including, could the secret to a relationship that doesn't drain your soul be owning other people?

This show explores how love, sex, and identity often buckle under the weight of societal expectations, especially monogamy.

Subscribe to Coming Out Swinging, the podcast that redefines couple goals straight from the motherfucking OGs.

Okay, so on today's episode, we're gonna get into how we started swinging in our first time.

Yeah, popping the cherry.

Well, I mean, I can say it was me, surprisingly.

Yes.

Yeah, Dave was out for the evening doing a show somewhere.

For those that don't know, he's a stand up comic.

So he had a show and he was out and I was home and I kind of went down this like, Internet rabbit hole type of thing and found out there was a site out there at the time called aff, which was stood for Adult Friend Finder.

And I think now nowadays it's pretty much just a porn site, right?

Pretty much.

I mean, back then, like, you can actually, like, chat with people.

Maybe you still can.

I think you can.

I'm sure you can meet people, but.

Yeah, yeah, but back in the day, that's.

It was kind of like the swinger meet and greet type of place.

And I signed us up for an account and that's completely out of character for me.

I mean, I'm probably pretty more open of the two of us, like, when it comes to talking about things and stuff like that.

When it comes to acting on things, I'm probably a little bit More chicken show.

Yeah.

I'm afraid of everybody.

I think everybody's a weirdo.

Although some ways it's surprising, some ways it's not, because if we were going to do this, like, I wouldn't have done it either, but for different reasons I wouldn't have done it because I would have thought.

You would have thought it was weird or something like that.

Yeah.

So you had to be the one.

I had to be the one.

But yeah, there was just something that night that I was thinking and I was like, oh, I'm gonna check this out.

I signed us up with an account, gave ourselves a screen name, and went out there and started like.

I mean, I probably was only on it for like 10 minutes.

And I met a couple from, like, a town over from us.

And you got home, I'm like, oh, what are you doing?

I'm like, talking to a couple from, you know, wherever the town next to us.

And you're like, what?

And I'm like, oh, I signed us up on Adult Friend Finder.

Yeah, you were already meeting.

I was like, already meeting people.

He's going, what?

I'm like, oh, yeah, sit down.

I, you know, I think she knows, you know, so and so.

And we were like, oh, God, like, small world.

And talk to them like that night and then talk to them like, the next afternoon and decided, like, we were gonna meet for drinks like that night.

Yeah, I mean, it was quick.

It was really quick.

Smooth.

Yeah.

And totally, you know, conversation was good.

We had gotten a babysitter.

Like, kids were gone, so house was to ourselves, but we had met them at, like, a bar just up the road from us, which would have been just down the road from them.

And yeah, it was real low pressure and just kind of good vibes all the way around.

Yeah.

Good people.

I mean, we.

We got along with them right away.

Yeah, I, you know, I didn't feel.

I didn't feel a lot of pressure.

I think we all kind of just really knew what we were there for.

And I remember saying, oh, do you guys want to come back for drinks?

And they were like, yeah, we're down.

You know, and they came back to our house and.

And that was that.

I guess we'll get into it.

Well, yeah, we'll get.

We'll get into what happened from there.

That's the good stuff.

Yeah, but it was.

It all happened very fast, within a 48 hour span.

Yeah.

Well, I think what I can say is that there was no pressure for the first 48 hours.

Like, even meeting at the restaurant.

Once we knew we were going across.

The street back home once shit got.

Real and we pulled into the driveway and we went into, like, our, you know, living room area where there was, like, we had bar and stuff and fixing drinks.

I started to feel the pressure.

I was getting nervous.

I mean, I felt like I was physically going to be ill.

Like, I was, like, shaking.

And I was really reserved.

I think he was pretty reserved from the other couple, whereas she was quite aggressive.

Yeah.

And again, to give a little background on your personality, we've mentioned this before, where you're kind of a little bit more chicken with everything.

You're a scaredy cat.

I am, yeah.

And also you.

We talked about my background of not having any girlfriends or what have you.

But you had a very similar background.

And you didn't have a lot of say, I mean, we were young.

Yeah.

To begin with.

But you didn't have a lot of experience.

Experience.

No.

Not a lot of experience, no.

And so I think, you know, when it.

When it comes down to it, you can talk a huge game up until.

And then it's like, oh, my God, we are doing this, and we're not going to be able to put this back in the toothpaste tube.

No, you can't.

You can't go back in one.

One other thing, and I don't want to make this a religious thing.

We were not very religious, like, practicing.

But you came from.

I came from a very religious background.

A very strict Catholic background.

So, yeah, you know, I think just, you know, being married and growing up Catholic and you just did things the right way and you just didn't have a lot of other experiences.

I think it was a lot for you to even be like, are we really doing this?

Yeah.

And then, I mean, to see the eagerness and just about everybody's eyes, and then my mind was, like, going like 100 miles a minute, like, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, we're gonna do this.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I wasn't saying it out loud, but I'm sure it showed on my face.

Well, we'll get to that in a bit, but I want to touch on, because you mentioned something about not being able to put the toothpaste back in the tube, which is so true.

Like.

Right.

You can't.

You can't go back from this.

And I think that was my biggest fear, and I assume in general that was yours, too.

But talk to me about what was going through your head right before in terms of the real fears.

Like, there's a part of it.

Just getting over the physical uncomfortableness of being with someone else and the physical act of, are we really doing this?

But I'm talking about, like, emotionally.

I thought there's.

The first thought that came to mind is like, oh, my God, if we do this, are we still going to be okay with each other tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

I mean, I think that's the initial thought.

Is that kind of what you're asking me?

Yeah.

You knew.

That was one of my biggest things.

I remember walking past you in the hallway that night and we looked at each other and I remember you saying, you good?

I think so.

Are you good?

Yeah, I'm good.

And I was like, oh, he's.

He's good.

Yeah.

I said, I think so.

But it's the biggest thing, right?

It's the biggest thing is the unknown.

Yeah.

Because you don't know how you're gonna feel and you can't change it.

That's the scariest part.

You cannot change what's already happened.

So you don't.

No matter how much you prepare for it or you think it's going to be fine, and you think you're going to be fine just because of our trust level and the communication in all the build up, but you just don't know.

Well, here's the thing.

I think most men pick a woman or marry a woman, and there's always that saying, you know, I want to freak in the sheets, but, you know.

Yeah, whatever.

You know, the good girl out in the streets.

In the streets.

You know, totally butchered that.

I totally butchered.

Whatever.

People know what we are.

Just.

I was always, you know, good girl, and yet I spiced things up for you in the bedroom.

But then in my mind I was like, but what if he doesn't think I'm that material anymore after this?

Material?

Like, what if I.

Yeah, you know.

Like, I think there was that thought in my head.

I had a lot of, you know, crap that I was trying to struggle with in that moment because it was getting so real so quick.

Yeah.

And that's a fair.

I think that's interesting because I do not think that guys necessarily have.

Like, I think that you're right that that is a woman.

It's the same fear of not knowing, like, will the relationship change or will.

But I don't necessarily think it's so much about, like.

I wasn't worried about what you would think of me necessarily, because I.

I don't know if guys really think of.

No.

Yeah, I don't think they do I think we immediately think, like, there's a.

Separation between wife material or, like.

Or what, you put your wife on a pedestal and will that be different?

Right, right.

And true thought and true feeling.

I mean, for sure.

Yeah.

So, you know, I mean, I got over it.

Obviously.

So that takes us in to the bedroom.

I do remember it was blackout dark in there.

You had.

I was not turning on one light.

Yeah.

You had every blind down.

All the neighbors were gonna see.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah.

I.

I don't even remember.

I mean, we could.

We could have been with each other.

We would have never even known, like, you.

You couldn't see anything.

And, like, you were saying, like, I could feel the energy of you.

Like, you didn't describe till afterwards that you were, like, about to puke, but, like, I could just tell you were in that energy because I know you so well.

Like, I knew you were shaking.

I never heard him say to me, are you shaking?

Yeah.

And I said, yeah.

And I remember you popping up and saying, are you okay?

And I'm like, yeah, I'm good.

I didn't want to ruin it because you guys were like.

And also, like, ready to go.

And.

And I don't want to say, like, he was.

He wasn't very aggressive either.

No.

Which I think was probably a perfect.

Fit for me at that moment.

Yeah.

Although, I don't know, maybe, as we've learned over the years, you kind of need a little bit more aggression.

So maybe that would have been.

But maybe at that time.

At that time.

No, I could tell you, like, in that moment, that's probably the I needed to be eased in for.

Yeah.

But what was super interesting is I'm not aggressive either, as you know.

No, you're not.

I am.

You were that night.

Yeah.

But not only guided by her.

Right.

Because I am.

One thing you'll learn about me if you keep listening to this podcast is I am not only am I not aggressive, but I have no game whatsoever.

I mean, it goes right over my head, even nowadays.

Yeah.

And I never want to be.

I don't ever want to misstep or be creepy or be weird.

Yeah.

So I just.

I never am very aggressive.

But she was, as you said.

In fact, there aren't too many, if any, even after 22 years, that have probably been that aggressive.

No.

She was all into it.

She had her way from the start.

Yeah.

And so for me, it was very easy.

Right.

In that way.

Because I didn't have time to think.

Yeah.

With him.

And I.

I think it was too nervous.

Nellie's, you know.

Exactly.

Trying to make something.

That's what I'm trying to say.

You guys were very much like the same energy in a way, and kind of fumbling around, and she just, like.

I had no time to even think if I wanted to.

I had no time to be afraid of anything other than her.

Yeah.

But it went.

It did go down.

Everything was fine.

Yeah, we had a great time.

Yeah.

In terms of the, like, how it ended up after, you know.

Yeah.

I don't know that you necessarily got a lot out of it physically just because of your state.

Correct.

Which is fine.

But there was obviously excitement of just the situation, the circumstance, and the fact that it was the first time.

Hot.

And it was hot to think about.

Definitely afterwards.

Right.

But it was more.

So I expected more from future experiences, I guess.

Yeah.

So what was it like?

Talk to me about your feelings so we know what your fear was before.

What were you feeling afterwards?

Well, the next day was kind of weird.

We didn't talk really.

We were both kind of just looking at each other all day and never.

Really had, like, a.

Yeah, it was, like, awkward.

We didn't discuss it after they left, and we didn't really discuss in the morning yet.

But by afternoon, we started talking.

I.

I couldn't handle it anymore.

I was like, okay, can we talk about this now?

And he's like, oh, are you ready?

I was like, yeah.

He's like, I was kind of waiting for you to, you know, say something.

And I.

I think for me, it was just like, I wanted to get right out in the open.

You're okay with everything happening?

You don't look at me any different.

Right.

And he was like, no, why would I look at you in any way different?

I'm like, okay, just.

It's been in my head and been in my mind, you know, since yesterday.

And I think I just kind of, like, let it out there.

I remember we talked about, was there any regret with it?

Did we feel relieved that we finally acted on something that we had been fantasizing about?

And I think those were all.

Definitely part of it.

Yeah.

Some relief.

I didn't have any regrets at the time.

And I like to call this conversation the reconnection, because it really is like, I feel like you have to talk about this stuff after.

You know, you have an adventure and it brings you closer together.

Because then we had, like, super hot sex after that.

Yeah.

You want to talk about.

We talked about pillow talk beforehand, before we ever did anything.

The pillow talk this created after the fact where we can actually talk.

Like, before it was pillow talk.

About fantasies that had never happened.

Yeah.

Now we were actually able to talk about something that did happen while we were having sex.

Yeah.

Which was crazy.

Like.

And that actually became our whole thing.

Yeah.

Even 22 years later now that's how we've evolved where everything is to enhance, like, our reconnection.

Yeah.

And the excitement we get out of it.

Yeah.

So obviously that's your.

I was going to ask you what advice you would give someone who's preparing for their first time.

That's obviously a big one, like the reconnection afterwards and all that.

But.

But what else would you.

I don't really.

I don't.

I mean, I guess, you know, reconnecting and talking about the experience and knowing that it always comes back to the two of you is really key.

Yeah.

Everybody else in our world, the way we experience things are just a vehicle or a toy.

Doesn't mean we haven't become friends with people in the lifestyle along the way.

Or we're not cold assholes.

Yeah.

But that truly is.

I don't get caught up in emotions.

You don't get caught up in emotions.

We get caught up in each other's emotions.

Yeah.

And that's really electrifying.

Yeah.

Because there's even been.

And I hate to pick on single guys, but there's even been single guys who have, like, made it sound like.

Like, if they've played with us once.

And when I say awesome, I'm straight.

I don't know why I needed to point that out.

But played with us.

Meaning played with you.

Yeah.

They think that you're going to, like, oh, it was so great.

Like, that I need that person all the time.

Right.

Or, like, they just rocked my world.

And.

And I know that does come off kind of shitty or cold sometimes, but it's like.

And it's not that we haven't had experiences that have been multiple, like, multiple times with the same person, but it's more about the scenario and the reconnection we can have and the excitement we get out of it.

If there's no more excitement or there's nothing left for it for us to get anything out of it, then it's kind of run its course.

It's boring at that point.

More mundane.

Yeah.

Like, I remember at one time when we were doing stuff like separate rooms, we got into a phase when we started doing that.

Or it was like one particular guy a couple times, and then eventually when he would kind of just expect it, we were already over it because, yeah, it was exciting those one or two times, but then after that, there's, like, nothing left for us to talk about after.

You know what I mean?

So it's done.

Yeah.

Anything else?

I.

I mean, I just think everybody should, you know, if this is something you're talking about, you know, your first time, you're going to expect everything.

The nerves, the excitement, the awkwardness, the curiosity, the.

You know, you want it to be, like, perfect maybe, or like you're.

You have some scenario.

You have it all in your head, and that's not always going to be.

But I think my advice would be definitely talk before, talk after.

Be on the same page and be honest about your feelings going into it and after it.

Yeah, I.

I think that's.

You made a good point, too, about talking after and being honest with your feelings, including if you didn't like something or if something wasn't like, you know, there's been times where we're like, you know, like, that just kind of rubbed me the wrong way.

Or like, you need to be honest about all that kind of stuff and talk about the reasons why.

And I think, you know, always just go slow, stay open.

Don't try and script it like.

I'm not.

I'm.

Dave knows exactly what I'm talking about here.

Tendency.

Men have a chance or have this tendency in their minds to want to be like.

So I'm thinking tonight we should, you know, and then if she's there or if they're there, then, you know, maybe we'll see.

You know, it's like.

No, just let it happen organically.

Yeah.

Men, Men.

Organic the better.

And trust me, the hotter it will be.

Yeah.

And I think also men build it up in their minds more like if.

If it doesn't like.

Like, they have fan.

They have it a certain way.

And if it doesn't match what's in their head.

Yeah.

And.

And stay connected at some point.

Look at each other.

Yeah.

You know, he could be with the other woman, but he sees me across the room.

I see his eyes across the room.

That connection that you have shows that your emotions are with each other and not with the people that you're with.

Yeah.

For sure.

Doesn't mean you got to be a robot.

Like, you know, make it worth the person's while.

But I'm just saying there's.

It's still about the two of you.

Yep.

Well said.

That's it.

We'll see you in the next episode.

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